I have been searching and praying for answers to the mysteries of life and death, of heaven, and of love. I have yearned more to be in heaven than ever before, and I have questioned God on the direction of my life. And I have been wrong.
Simply put, God wants me to love him more than anything or anyone else, either here or in heaven. Yes, I love Jeseca; I always will. But she cannot be my reason for living or holding on. Jesus holds that role, and he wants me to let go of the struggle within my heart, and the search for answers. He wants me to live and glorify him through the ups and through the downs. He wants me to live because he loves me and has more in store for my life than I could ever imagine.
Is it too quick to come to that conclusion? No, it’s not. I poured all of me into Jeseca, and for that I hope God is pleased. What comes of that love in heaven is entirely up to God, and I hope that when I see him (and her again) I don’t start smelling like smoke. In the meantime, God, in his great mercy and grace has been patiently waiting for me to get up and start walking with him again. Okay, Lord, here I come. Thank you for allowing me to grieve, and for the courage to carry on.