I looked at that title for quite some time before writing tonight. Look at it…….. What does it mean to you? Solo. I have mixed feelings as I write this, for on one hand it describes how I jumped out of an airplane for the first time. The other describes my life. Today is the 8-month anniversary of Jeseca’s death.
I think back on all of the time we spent dreaming together. Living together. Holding each other up as we fought the storms together. And loving more deeply than I knew was possible.
Can I look back? Should I? How can I not? Every day pulls me back in some form or another. Today it was a waitress who looked and acted much like Jes when I first met her. Yesterday it was my entrance into karate. The day before that? A quiz show at church. The pastor asked three contestants to describe their lives in 30 seconds. (Try that.)
Now I sit listening to my favorite soundtracks…scores from Captain Corelli’s Mandolin, Cinderella Man, The Last Samurai and Pearl Harbor. They’re beautiful scores, and all are marked with the memory of the woman who chose to share her life and love with me for nearly 12 years.
As I thought about how I would answer the pastor’s call to sum up my life in 30 seconds, I realized that it’s not about one thing or another that I have done, but about the whole story (to date) God has written about me, and how it has affected my heart for Him. I found the answer there. The story is obviously far from complete, thank God; what I have to say takes less than 8 seconds.
I’ve faced the storms of life, and I’ve found that God is good and faithful through every one.
Now I feel as if He’s asking me to begin living as I used to…adventurous, risky, fun, on the edge…but this time, I need to do it with Him by my side. This time I need to do it right. I need to invite Him along for the ride. (Come with me, Lord.)
I have much, yet, to teach my boys. One of the most important lessons I want to pass on is that God wants us to live freely. To live alive. Proverbs 29 says that the “fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe.” It is with that spirit that I jumped out of an airplane from 13,000 feet and plummeted toward earth at terminal velocity. It was one of the most amazing experiences of my life, and God was there in ways I have yet to describe.
As I think about it, I’m not really going solo, am I? People may see it that way, but they’re not looking at the invisible God by my side. He’s there. I know He is. For He is the strength they see. (May You always be praised from these lips, Lord.)