With the rush to get everything prepared for Jeseca’s service and burial now behind me, I’ve had a couple of days to contemplate all that my life has come to be, and how it has led to this moment in time. (Sigh)…….. Jeseca’s passing has left a hole in my heart that only Jesus can fill, and I have cried out to Him many, many times since August 15 to do just that. So much has changed. What is this task ahead of me that has required my two great loves (Jeseca and baseball) to be ripped from my heart?
On the day that Jeseca died, I drove away from Scripps La Jolla without her for the very first time. We’d been there so many times over the past few years. I was lucky enough to stand by her side for each and every treatment. Chemotherapy, radiation, scans, tests, surgeries, checkups, etc. It was always us together, exactly as we liked it. And she always came home with me. But not this time.
Why? What changed? I only know of one thing……I prayed differently that morning.
Each time we went to the hospital together I prayed for God’s hand to be with the doctors, to guide them, give them wisdom and understanding when dealing with Jes. It was always the same. But that Wednesday morning I stopped myself halfway through the prayer and told God, instead, that I trusted Him to do what He knew was right. “We have been down this road for far too long to pray in panic. So I will trust that whatever happens today will be what you want, and we will deal with whatever happens according to our understanding of you…that you are a loving, all-powerful God with our best interest at heart.”
Little did I know that I would kiss her goodbye for the last time just three hours later. (The time at the hospital was a blur, and a story well worth telling, but not now.)
Did I pray wrong? No, I don’t think so. I think God had been waiting for me to let go. He had perfected His work in her; now it was time to work on me.
And now, like I said earlier, everything has changed.
Gone are the aspirations; the dreams of grandeur. They don’t matter anymore. My boys need me to carry on the dreams and legacy that Jes left behind…to raise them to be mighty, Godly men; lights in this world of darkness. And I want to show them that there is still such a thing as true love.
I have such wonderful memories of Jeseca. Times of great joy and excitement; of shared dreams, both personal and professional; of hardship and trial; of true contentment in our love; and of the amazing woman she became in our 11 years together. I am so proud of her. She made it. She endured so much more than she let on, and she did it all with a smile on her face.
And I am so proud of the couple we were. We did it right. We did it right, sweetheart.
I will love you always. Jon