Boy, the passing of time never slows down, does it? It is 100% consistent. The sun comes up and goes down, right on time, every day, just as God said it would.
When Jeseca passed away holding my hand in the hospital, all I wanted was for God to stop the clock; to stop the world from spinning — just for a day — so I could stop and think. But He didn’t. Instead, just moments after I watched her vital signs all fall to zero, I had to decide how our boys would say goodbye……if they would at all. Half a dozen nurses, doctors and social workers were flooding in and out of the room as I sat there in disbelief, and it was all I could do to keep from locking the door behind them when they left. I did ask for a few minutes to myself, which they politely gave. And in those five minutes of prayer, I realized the emotion and anquish with which Job must have praised the Lord after hearing that he had just lost everything. I imagine he gritted his teeth, forcing himself to say those famous words, “The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.” That’s what I did……every word true, and yet every syllable so difficult to say.
Here we are, five weeks later, and I thank God for His amazing consistency, and for not stopping the clock. Many, many things have transpired over these past five weeks, and all of them have helped to bring about at least a sense of healing for me and the boys. I had a most unique “I love you” from the Lord on the golf course. I’ve watched two amazing young women open the doors to my boys’ hearts and minds in their respective classrooms (Thank you, Ali and Jamie). And I’ve had the opportunity to read through the many journal entries Jeseca and I wrote over the past four years.
What I can say now (and I will look for more opportunities to do so in the future), is that God is incredibly wonderful, and that Jeseca knew Him more deeply than anyone I have ever met. I am in the process of transcribing her journals (a project I have titled, “Beautiful Journey”), and am fairly confident you will feel the same way after reading them. Quite honestly, I never knew such a relationship could exist between one person and the creator of the universe. And I yearn for it in my own life now more than ever.
As for the boys, they are both doing well. We’ve started to do two new things here at home. First, every morning on the way to school I ask the boys to listen for God’s still, small voice. We bought a journal specifically to write down what we believe God is saying to us on a daily basis. Jesus said, “My sheep know my voice…” I want them to start listening so that they will never confuse His voice with anyone else’s.
Second, we have a weekly “Family Music Night,” where I turn on a sampling of some of the finest classical music pieces by Dvorak, Beethoven, Mozart and others, and just speak quietly to the boys on the couch. Christian lies down in my lap, while Everen (the most restless kid I have ever met) grabs a pillow and blanket and does his very best to figure out how not to be quiet and listen. Eventually he calms down (usually after Christian falls asleep), and we end up talking about his mom and how much she loved and cherished the time she was able to spend with them. It is a sweet, sweet time that God has given us together. And I pray that we (the 3GBs) will follow in Jeseca’s footsteps on that Beautiful Journey to the gates of Heaven. We all should. Lord, help us to open our mouths and take as many people with us as we can.
Thank you so much for the update. I always get a blessing when I read your blogs. My heart does break for you and the boys. I can’t imagine how you feel. Please remember that I, along with many others, continue to lift each of you up in our prayers.
I’m so thankful the boys have teachers in their lives who are so caring and compassionate. You and Jes planted seeds of faith in their lives since they were born. I know they will grow up to be fine young men of God who’ll be inspirational to others. Meanwhile, keep doing what you’re doing. They won’t forget these “special” times with you and how you helped them feel closer to their mom.
I love the cover of Jeseca’s book. I’m so glad you will be publishing one. I look forward to purchasing a copy so I can learn more about this wonderful lady and her beautiful journey with God and her family.
I just wanted to let you know that you and your brave sons are in my prayers during this season of grief. You might be interested in a book (I just bought and am reading) named “One Minute After You Die”, by Erwin. W. Lutzer. It is very encouraging and is a reminder of what kind of place Heaven really is per the bible and where Jeseca is spending the rest of eternity right now!
I love the journal idea with the boys. Let me know if the small still voice says Im coming to Christmas again.:) That was precious. Praying for my lil’ sheep tonight.
“The watchman opens the gate for him, and the sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. “
Jon just wanted to say thank you for the blessing you gave to me. Really thank you. I am praying that you are having a better week since I know your day was rough the other day. I was praying. Please let me know if I can help you. Love to you and the boys.