I make it a point to do something special with Jes each year on our anniversary. In years past we’ve visited Maui, Lake Tahoe, Vail, Laguna Beach, Palm Springs, etc, and always in the finest accomodations we could afford. This year I thought we’d stay a few nights at L’Auberge Del Mar Resort & Spa. Jes thought otherwise, and we found ourselves at the charming Butterfield Bed & Breakfast in Julian, CA. It turned out to be the ideal place to go on a day when we needed the utmost privacy.
The day started out with a great breakfast served by the owners of the place. Immediately following, we went back to our suite and prayed, talked and cried for more than an hour. I told her that earlier in the morning, before breakfast, I spent some time talking to God about her, and why I needed her to stay. I learned a lot about myself in that conversation. As I listed all of my reasons, God was prodding me for more, almost as if He were saying, “Is that it?” He was telling me that I can love her more than I do now. I can.
We also decided to write down all of the things we want to do when she’s better. Visioning, per se. It was good for us to look ahead to the good we expect to come. Shortly afterward, we took a drive through the countryside and admired the wild turkeys and deer roaming the nearby hills, then headed into town for lunch.
The afternoon came with two occasions when Jes couldn’t breathe while trying to sleep, and we both wondered if her time here was over. I can only guess that it was all of the prayer offered on our behalf that kept her going. And without a doubt, had we gone to L’Auberge, we would never have had the intimate moments spent together in the car talking about the life we have led as a married couple. She’s always right…Julian was the right place to go…where we could meet God on the mountain.
We’re home now. I must admit I hoped everything would change yesterday; that I would wake up today and see Jes as she used to be. That she would be able to sleep without gasping for air every two minutes. That her beautiful blue eyes would look the same again, and that her vision would not be so impaired. That she would have gained back the 30 pounds she’s lost. And of course, that the cancer that has ravaged most of her body would no longer be visible.
Nothing has changed. In fact, I just had to pray for her heart to slow down so she can sleep. Does that mean anything other than that I still have to get on my knees and ask God for another day with her? It’s an exercise in futility to try to figure God out, but how can I question Him? God says to me just as He said to Job, “Would you condemn me to justify yourself?”
I can’t do that. I have asked Him for help in understanding why we must continue in this fight, but I just can’t say that He is wrong. He knows best. What else is there to say?
So many of you have joined in our fight. From the bottom of our hearts, thank you for praying with us on Saturday. Please know that we are praying for God to rain down His blessings upon you. That’s the best and only way we know to repay you for your kindness, support, and prayers.
And now, we fight on.